the C word

"GOD never gives you more than you can handle" I truly believe this with all of my heart.

For the past few months, since January to be exact, I have been praying hard and practicing the art of surrendering control of my life to the man upstairs.
the c word
January 7th I got a phone call from my doctor saying test results had come back from a routine check and there was low grade pre-cancerous cells in my cervix; that we need to do a biopsy for further testing. I scheduled it and during that appointment, she said she didn't see anything but wanted to do the biopsy anyway to double check. February 5 I got another call saying the biopsy was showing stage 3-4 high-grade pre-cancerous cells in my cervix and I needed surgery to remove it. I was literally speechless on the phone, how could it go from stage 1 to 4 in a few weeks?

My mind instantly went racing to all the negative things that could happen, all I heard her say was "cancer" nothing else came through that phone that morning.

I hung up and immediately started pacing, then cleaning, then pacing. I tried to stay busy, I didn't want to cry or tell my husband. I was trying to process it all. How did this happen!

My kids came running in from playing outside and asked what I was doing. I just looked up at them and started to cry. I couldn't help it, the tears just poured out uncontrollably. Shortly after that my husband came in and saw me so upset and asked what was wrong. I could hardly get the words out to tell him. I kept saying nothing I'm fine, really, I'm fine. Clearly I wasn't, and he wasn't buying it. I finally said the doctor called, I got results back, I told him everything I knew, which wasn't much.
don't worry
He said what? Say that again? Huh? I repeated it a few times before snapping. He just hugged me, told me everything was gonna be fine, we would get through it together, don't worry. Don't worry? What? How could I not worry? How could he not worry? I have two small children and I'm only 34. They need me still, I need them still. What if I can never have any more children? What if they diagnosed it wrong, what if it's actually is cancer?

”What if...”

”What if...”

”What if...”

Flooded my mind. The fear set in. I then decided to call on the doctor that I trusted my life with and who delivered my two beautiful children and made an appointment for a second opinion. If I was gonna do this I wanted him to be the one with me. I sent him the results from the other doctor and he immediately called me and agreed, yep that's gotta come out asap. He scheduled me for surgery the following week. Everything happened so fast I really didn't have time to think or process, I just prayed and prayed and prayed. The recovery from that procedure was very hard, although nothing compared to what it could have been so I kept things in perspective.

Two weeks after I started having complications. My cervix wasn't healing and they found more in the glands of my uterus, which meant another surgery. Because I was healing so slowly I had to wait, more waiting. I could only determine this was part of gods plan to force me to slow down. I waited, and waited, and waited. I finally healed about 6-7 weeks later. At that point, it was time to schedule the next surgery and give the doctor my plan. After many weeks of thinking I needed to remove my uterus to completely get rid of the cells, I had a dream. That dream changed my mind and I decided to try another surgery first before jumping to a hysterectomy. My doctor was confident he could get the rest out, I trusted him so we proceeded. The next surgery was worse than the first by far but again, perspective. It could have been worse, so I powered through. I leaned on my family and friends that had been through this or experienced something similar. I leaned on my faith like no other. I could have never gotten through these past few months without all my praying warriors, and my support system.
my people
Grateful for my husband for letting my emotions run wild during the whole process, crying, and crying, and crying and spending millions of hours talking things out and going over options and what was best and what we should do. My Mommy, of course, my backbone. She never gave up faith, knew I would be ok, and did so much research to find answers. She is always my greatest cheerleader and number 1 fan. Always knows the right things to say and always has the best intentions.

After months of roller coaster feelings, having good days and not so good days,

three months

two surgeries

multiple biopsies

complications

cauterizations

antibiotic creams

tests

and one amazing doctor later

I'm officially stage-4 high-grade pre-cancer free!!!!

I don't know about you but any sentence that has any form of the C word in it can be crippling. Throughout the process, I was humbled and grateful that it was still pre-cancer and that it was able to be removed and I had a chance to get it out. So many people don't have that option and for that, I'm so thankful.

I stayed positive, even as the mention of removing my uterus and doing a hysterectomy at age 34 was talked about. I put faith in God and my life in my doctor's hands.

To say 2018 has started out bumpy would be an understatement, but when you don't have bumps in the road you don't appreciate the smooth rides. I know there is a lesson in all of this, as there always is in everything we go through in this crazy thing we call life.

Maybe it means I need to slow down, appreciate what I have more, and spend more time with my little family. I'm a go go go person so slowing down is definitely hard. I'm a work in progress and working on it currently and always will be.

I kept this mostly to myself with the exception of some friends and some family. I figured once I got through it, once I knew it was all ok, I could then share it, talk about it, heal from it.
finally free
So here we are, finally putting it on paper, processing it all, still emotional, still crying as I relive the emotions and feelings of the past few months. I keep still thinking of what could have been. How lucky I was. How grateful I was.

I have felt so "off" during all this. Not myself, just preoccupied and distracted, I couldn't get things done, or be on top of things as I usually am. This chapter is now closed and I finally feel free. Like now I can actually move forward.

I know that in the big scheme of life this is just one more event that needed to happen to mold and force some growth. I embraced it with open arms.

-C