to my husband

No matter how hard I try, my high expectations always make my husband feel like he's not doing enough for me; which isn't the case. It didn’t really occur to me that I was even doing this or what this even was until quite a few years into our marriage.

Until one day when he had said some words to me that struck me deep, “No matter what I do it’s never good enough.” Ouch right? But it really hit me and I started asking myself that question. Why is what he does never good enough? He’s doing everything. What is he not doing? So I started walking myself through our life, like step by step. When do I feel like he's not doing enough?

Here’s what I came up with. It was a light bulb moment for me. I finally realized something I was doing and something that went waaaaaaay back to my childhood. Every time my husband is gone too long I feel abandoned and get flashbacks of being a little girl without a dad. I don't want my kids to feel like they don't have a dad around. In turn, I lash out and make him feel like he isn't home enough. I indirectly take that out on my husband without even realizing it! You guys, I was shocked, everything suddenly made sense, well not everything, but you know what I mean.

It's not his fault I didn't grow up with a good male role model to keep me secure in my relationships with men. It's not his fault I was abandoned and abused by my father as a child. It's not his fault my stepfather also let me down. He saved a lot of the damage that could have been done and was there for me during those younger harder years that were necessary for me to have a father figure. For that, I'm grateful for him. It's not his fault I have never trusted men or have had a high respect for them in general. It's not his fault every man before him has failed me in some way.

It’s not his fault I have set such high standards that literally no man could reach. I had this empty hole my whole life from the damage of one man that no man could ever fill. I married a saint and he is so very patient with me, he doesn't deserve to be second-guessed on his intentions. He's a good man and he does everything I ask and more with no questions. He understands where those emotions come from and how sensitive I am about certain scenarios. I sometimes let the past control my present. In those moments by allowing myself to be put back in a vulnerable place; I do that. I allow that to happen.

You see, we have to better learn how to compartmentalize our lives. Sometimes we need to take each situation as it is and react to that current one. We need to let each relationship, each friendship, start out the same with the same open heart. I mean, how can you know what a relationship can truly become if you're holding some grudge against the new relationship that happened in the last one? Makes no sense right!? I know it seems impossible. It's a daily struggle for me and I catch myself so many times doing this. And I can't figure out how to prevent it from happening. I guess it's in a way a coping mechanism? Perhaps it's my way of still keeping myself guarded and protected. We naturally build walls and protect ourselves from things that can hurt us or cause harm. That’s totally normal and what some people might say is a smart thing. Keep yourself protected so you can never get hurt. But is that really the smartest thing? What happened to love like there’s no tomorrow and it’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?
You'd think after so many years of therapy I'd have figured it out by now right? I still have so much to work on as so many of us do and that’s ok, I’m ok with the “ work in progress” thing. Wounds take time to heal and as long as you're moving forward, you're doing something right.

The mind can be a tricky thing, so complex yet so simple. Timing and Gods plan is always a mystery until it reveals itself to you when it's just the right time! And at that moment you realize the lesson in it all, you see the light and you're so thankful that it happened like that. After all, that's what life is all about right?

Lessons and learning.
Mistakes and failures.
Growing and rising above.

It's so important to leave each relationship where it ended, and not bring it with us to each new relationship. Each person deserves a fighting chance to prove themselves and show you their intentions. Don't forget to enter each one with open arms ready to put it 100 percent to see where it can really go. If you don't give it 100 percent you'll never really know what it could have been.